“Jackson, I know it’s late but I’d like to have a word with you, if you don’t mind.” The singer started, trying to sound as calm as possible. After his boyfriend’s revelation, he knew he would need all the help he could get from the people closest to the American. He was aware that besides him, there was someone else in Got7 who knew Mark intimately and maybe that person would be able to provide him some sort of enlightenment.
“What else do you want? You got yourself the best guest room in my apartment and you get to share it with Mark! You get to shamelessly fuck him here with a clear conscience. To be honest, that seems a lot already. But you know what? I’m an extremely generous host. Just let me know if I can be of any further service to you.” Jackson said sarcastically as he gulped down the whole liquid inside his glass and offered another to his dongsaeng. The singer could tell he was drunk, but still, he took the glass from the older and gave it a sip. He understood his friend’s sour temper and to deal with it he didn’t have to be totally sober. God knows he needed that drink.
“It’s a bit late for this kind of beverage, don’t you think?” Jinyoung asked as he tasted the dry flavor flooding his mouth. The other scoffed.
“It’s a bit late for a lot of things Park Jinyoung, especially apologies.” The Chinese shot him an irksome glare and sat on an easy chair beside his nightstand. He offered another chair to the younger and quickly gulped down a second shot of whiskey.
“I didn’t knock on your door at this hour to apologize for something I’m not sorry for. You know me better than that.” The singer sat beside him and admired the gorgeous view from his hyung’s window. The moon outside was undoubtedly a sight to behold.
“Just go straight to the point, then. Before I pass out.” Jackson insisted, downing another shot.
“Has he told you about the rape?” Jinyoung promptly cut to the chase. The rapper almost dropped the bottle on his hand as he was about to pour himself another shot. His shocked expression caught the singer out of guard.
“Excuse me?!” the rapper managed to say as he eyed the other in disbelief. He wondered if he had drunk too much or if his hearing was playing tricks on him.
“For some reason I couldn’t believe I was the only one he opened up about it.” The younger suddenly regretted bringing up that topic. He felt like he was betraying his lover’s trust.
“What are you saying, Jinyoung?” Jackson found hard to believe that Mark would reveal that secret to someone, after the American himself made him swear not to tell anyone.
“Long story short, middle school was a nightmare for him. Bullying, drugs, cutting, self-attempted hanging, admission to a mental institution, and an abominable P.E. teacher that molested him.” The Korean’s voice almost cracked as he briefly described what his lover confessed to him. The rapper was confused for a moment. He realized that his band mate was talking about events that he had never heard about and definitely had nothing to do with what happened in Macao.
“Are we still talking about Mark Tuan Yien here? As far as I know he was very popular back in America, you know, the typical rich kid without a worry in his life. Lots of friends, very good at sports, he had satisfactory grades and he dated one of the hottest babes at his school. Where did you hear those things?” The Chinese wasn’t sure of what to think anymore. He had come to learn that his ex was very good at hiding his own feelings and keeping secrets to himself.
“Then he lied to one of us. And I’m sure he didn’t make it all up just to make me feel sorry for him. You did not see his face, how his whole body came undone before my eyes. I’m not the one he lied to, Jacks.” Jinyoung stated. And for the first time, after months dating Mark, he felt totally confident in that relationship. He noticed that Jackson swallowed hard those words.
“That’s a hell of a pillow talk! Wasn’t he on drugs or something? I don’t think I experienced that kind of dark sexual afterglow when we had that one night stand, Jin. Perhaps your dick cause different effects on people. It would be better if Mark stayed away from it.” Jackson knew that if he wasn’t under the influence of alcohol he probably would be more serious about the subject. He still couldn’t believe that during all of those years that he dated the American none of that came to his knowledge. He wouldn’t be able to believe that whole story if he didn’t hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. Jinyoung eyed him with contempt, but kept his composure.
“I wish you wouldn’t joke about something like that. In fact, I’d appreciate if you could keep this between us.” The singer’s voice was commanding and cold as he stood up from his chair. Jackson ignored the other’s tone. The rapper didn’t want to entertain the idea that his dearest Mark was suicidal and self-destructive even before he met him. Or worse, he could not bear the fact that he wasn’t the only one who had violated him. His guilt multiplied, and he could not find more room in his soul to bury that remorse. He wished the alcohol would make him forget his iniquity, but that definitely wasn’t working.
“If what you’re saying is true, maybe we have underestimated his problems. The Mark you just described to me is covered in unattended wounds. Some old, some more recent. And I bet you know what happens to wounds which are not properly cured, right? They fester, my friend. They infect the remaining health tissues and spread, corrupting every inch of its surrounding flesh. When the immune system is compromised, it takes over. People can die from infected wounds, Jin. I wonder if there will be something left of Mark whenever all this rotting is removed from his flesh. I wonder if there will be anything left to save in him. It would be shame if we suddenly found out that our beloved hyung turned into a big ball of necrosis hidden under useless bandages and gauze dressings.” The rapper eyes watered, as he remembered the look Mark gave him earlier, all that hatred could be a disguise of his decay.
“How can you say things like that! I thought that because you love him as much as I love him, you wouldn’t give up on getting him better. You came up with the forced therapy idea and I can see his improvement. If there’s something broken inside him, or ‘festering’ as you put it, we’ll find the best antibiotics for it!” Jinyoung’s eyes almost begged for his support.
“I am not sure that we alone can share such a responsibility. You came to this room looking for someone to help you carry the weight of being his boyfriend, or his friend! And I’m none of those anymore, we won’t ever mean anything to each other again. He’d rather see me as an enemy, he’d rather see me dead! Now tell me, how someone in my position can aid you in anyway?” the rapper seethed as he put down the bottle of whiskey on the floor. He sounded miserable, but he knew the younger was unable to understand his dilemma because he was unaware of what really happened between him and Mark.
“Well Jackson, there was a time, not long ago, that I was unable to see him as a friend or a boyfriend. Because you were dating him, because I was the one rejected, and I couldn’t imagine being a friend to him when all I wanted was to kiss him all the time! I stepped away, I got in a relationship with someone else, and I kept my distance. But when he showed up at my door, desperate because you had took off to Hong Kong, I was the one who shoved two fingers down his throat to keep him from overdosing! And I had to keep that to myself, I had to keep that from everyone.” Jinyoung accused, extremely upset by his band mate indifference. However, the rapper’s demeanor changed radically when the singer provided him that new information.
“When did that happen?!” Jackson sounded impossibly sober now. That night was indeed full of surprises. He would never imagine that Mark would do something like that even before that trip to Macao. How come he was so blind to his ex-lover’s mental health deterioration? He should be paying more attention to Mark at that difficult time. Was he so absorbed in himself that he couldn’t detect how letter2u had impacted the American’s life? Suddenly he felt like the worst boyfriend in the world.
“Not long after the red car accident. He was agoraphobic, anxious and obviously depressed. You left your traumatized boyfriend alone in that apartment in order to attend some freaking business overseas. When he begged for my help after taking a bunch of pills with vodka, my love for him didn’t make me turn him away or send him to a madhouse, the love I feel for him urged me to keep him alive.” Jinyoung rubbed that fact at the Chinese’s face, but he didn’t get the response he expected.
“Well, Jinyoung, congratulations! But you see, right now, my love for him is urging me to get him committed to a mental hospital. We’re going to call his parents and we’re doing this as fast as possible.” The rapper informed him without a trace of doubt in his words. He had completely made up his mind, he wouldn’t neglect those harrowing signs anymore. If he wasn’t the only one who had hurt Mark in that way, he needed to reconsider that idea of therapy. He couldn’t begin to imagine what that kind of violence could do to a person. Perhaps the American should be on meds.
“No! Are you crazy? They’ll take him away. That’s not necessary.” The younger almost stammered. He panicked as he watched the older take a cellphone from his pocket and put his shot of whiskey away. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Mark would never look him in the eye again if he learned Jinyoung was the one who drove Jackson to warn his parents.
“I’ll not be lenient this time, he ought to stop hiding behind his own lies, and you shouldn’t let him manipulate you. We cannot ignore that this self-harming shit has gone too far. I can’t believe you did nothing about it after he took those pills! Why do you think he suddenly decided to reveal all these things from his past to you? That’s a cry for help, man! We have to do this now before it’s too late.” The rapper retorted as he scrolled up and down his phone contacts. The singer was unable to keep his feelings in check when he abruptly took the cellphone from his hyung’s hands and threw it against a wall. The rapper eyed him as if he was mad.
“He’s not manipulating me! Come on, Jack, we have a tour, lots of countries to visit, Ahgases from all over the globe waiting from us. We can’t take that from him now.” Jinyoung insisted, as he blocked the Chinese’s passage when the other tried to pick his phone from the floor.
“Get out of my way, Jinyoung.” The Chinese warned, as he towered over the younger intimidatingly.
“Please don’t do that.” The singer pleaded as he touched the other’s shoulder.
“This is not debatable. It’s gonna happen, you want it or not.” Jackson retorted. Jinyoung knew that his hyung wasn’t going to back down on his decision, unless he appealed. So, he got to his knees and begged. Jackson shook his head in frustration.
“Look, let’s give him one more chance, okay! For the love of God, I’ll do anything, just don’t call them.”
“You’re too attached to him, you are not looking at things objectively, so I’m gonna help you change that. I won’t call his parents now, but you’ll break up with him. Leave Mark, Jinyoung, and let’s see what happens! If he tries anything crazy, we’ll know I am right.” Jackson said as he observed his dongsaeng’s eyes blink in disbelief. The rapper was sure Jinyoung wouldn’t accept that condition and if he did, his determination wouldn’t last long.
“What?! You’ve gotta be joking me!” Jinyoung got up from the floor and glared at him.
“I know, man. You’re caught between a rock and a hard place. You can keep him and save him from himself by letting me get him proper care, or you can break up with him and realize how unstable he gets, once he faces a difficult situation. I’m sure he’ll resort to drugs and blades or whatever you claim he uses to hurt himself. The truth is, when his boyfriend splits up with him, he’ll seek all of them again. You know what, you should be thanking me, Jin. Either way, you won’t be able to keep him from getting into a straightjacket. And believe me, it’s still better than a coffin.” Jackson said mercilessly. He wouldn’t let his emotions get in the way of his clarity.
“That’s what you wanted from the beginning, right? Tear us apart! What a great opportunity to get your revenge. That’s a cheapshot, Wang! You’re just jealous that he left you for me!” Jinyoung argued, extremely upset.
“And you are delusional! I’m not asking you to leave him, I truly hope you choose to get in contact with his family and together, you guys can discuss what’s better for him!” the Chinese struggled to keep his voice down. It genuinely broke his heart to see Jinyoung that way, but he had to open his eyes. Mark was not okay and the Korean refused to see that. He hated to act like that, yet, he felt he had to be the adult in that situation.
“No! You got it all wrong! He’s fine, now! He didn’t try anything for quite some time, I know he’s healing! Don’t do that to us, Seunie! How can you do that!?” the younger whined as tears formed around his eyes.
“Make your decision, man. There’s only one way to keep my mouth shut, I am not forcing you into anything. You can refuse it, and let me make that call.” Jackson looked away, unable to stare at his dongsaeng’s pleading eyes anymore.
“I’ll prove to you he’s fine.” He whispered almost inaudible.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Jinyoung?!” the rapper looked at him perplexed.
“I’ll break up with him.” He said firmly, gritting his teeth.
“Come again?” the older didn’t expect him to choose what he imagine that was the worst possible choice.
“He’s strong now, he doesn’t need me by his side to choose life. He’ll make it. I know he will.” Jinyoung knew what his decision meant, he was about to break his own heart.
“You’ll regret this!” Jackson warned him, as he opened his bedroom’s door and signaled the younger to leave. He couldn’t believe his plan backfired, yet, he hoped his dongsaeng would regret his decision tomorrow.
“You’d better keep your word, Jackson. Good night.” Jinyoung said sourly as he walked out of his hyung’s room.
It was already morning when the singer returned to the room he shared with Mark. He couldn’t sleep anymore. He stared at his lover with adoration in his eyes and at the same time he tried to come up with a reason to break up with him. He knew it couldn’t be too sudden. His boyfriend was sharp and he wouldn’t buy his act if he didn’t plan it well. Jinyoung was a good actor, he knew he could do it. He just needed to give his boyfriend a reason to let go. He didn’t have to be the one to suggest the break up, yet, he could give the American enough reasons to regret being with him.
At 7 AM Got7 was already up. They were all having breakfast, expect for Yugyeom who was moving his stuff to the MarkJin room.
“Why the hell is he bringing his belongings to our room?” Mark asked puzzled as he eyed Jinyoung, who sat beside him at the table.
“I asked him to change rooms with me. I already brought my things to the room he was sharing with Bambam.” The singer replied calmly as he sipped his coffee. Mark raised an eyebrow at him. The others on the table eyed each other uncomfortably. They wondered if they’d have to witness a lover’s spat every single morning. Jackson was the only one who had an idea of what was going on.
“You don’t want to be with me anymore? Am I such a bad roommate?” the American asked playfully, but everyone could tell he was a bit disappointed.
“We’re not in our homes, Mark. We are guests here, let’s be reasonable and keep things PG, okay?” JB commented, glad that his dongsaeng made that decision himself. He didn’t want to get used to overhear the same sexual noises he had to put up with yesterday.
“Does our host have anything to do with it? I’m sure he has, don’t you, Wang?” the American inquired as he glared at the rapper beside the leader, who frowned at the accusation. The singer sighed in frustration, but remained quiet. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to get the Chinese riled up.
“If you want my opinion, Tuan Yien, I’ll tell you. If having Jinyoung’s dick up your ass every single day keeps you from blaming me for everything that happens, I’ll willingly offer my own room to keep you guys together and satisfied.” Jackson snapped as he stood up and went to the door. “I’ll be waiting in the car.” The table went quiet for a minute, before Youngjae started speaking.
“Don’t mind him, hyung. He’s probably just jealous.” The younger tried to console an appalled Mark, who wasn’t really expecting that kind of treatment early in the morning.
“He might’ve been disrespectful, but we do know he’s entitled to his anger.” Bambam said carelessly.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Mark fumed, crossing his arms around his chest defensively.
“You do know what I mean, hyung. This whole situation is unfair! He risked his own life to save yours and you just ditched him for another guy! Do you really expect him to pretend that everything is all right?” the Thai young man replied simply as his hyung sighed dejectedly.
“You don’t know shit, Bam.” Mark said as he took a bite of his toast and tried to keep his feelings in check.
“We’re gonna be late for practice, finish your breakfasts. I’ll be waiting in the car with Jackson. You guys have 10 minutes.” Jaebeom announced a bit stressed and excused himself. Bambam soon followed him leaving the three alone at the table.
“You could’ve told me your intentions last night. I’d have understood, you know.” Mark commented as he turned to an unusually quiet Jinyoung.
“You were sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you up.” The younger replied shortly without looking at him. Jinyoung felt like throwing up as he endeavored to keep stick to his own plan. Ignoring his boyfriend was a hard task he had to master. Unable to sit at that table for too long, he got up from and went to brush his teeth.
“Is everything all right between you two? He seems a bit weird this morning.” Youngjae asked Mark, who couldn’t help but think that the odd behavior of his boyfriend had something to do with what he told him last night. He asked himself if Jinyoung saw him in a different light after he learned about the rape.
“Maybe he’s just tired. Besides, he is still bothered by what happened to that kid.” Mark lied.
“Why aren’t you? I mean, you were there, you saw it happen before your eyes. It’s like you wiped it out of your mind. You’re not even afraid of what can happen next? ” Youngjae asked out of curiosity.
“Obviously! I mean, of course that what happened at that Station shocked me, but it’s not like I was the one who pushed him. People die every day, Jae. We should get used to it. Plus, I don’t wanna worry the others, you know? We have a tour in a few days.” Mark lied again. At first, he thought that he wouldn’t be able to function again after witnessing that violent death. But now, he just didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to even feel pity towards the family of the hacker kid, and deep down, he convinced himself that the boy deserved what he got. He wondered why the others expected him to still feel bad about the whole thing.
“Still, you shouldn’t let unresolved issues come between you two.” Youngjae advised his hyung, who looked a bit lost in thought.
“Whatever it is, you should discuss between yourselves. I’m sure you guys can do it, hyung, I’m rooting for you both.” Yugyeom interrupted the two as he finally sat at the table to have his breakfast. Mark smiled at his dongsaeng’s attempt to cheer him up. He really liked the sweetness of Got7’s maknae. Soon Jinyoung and the three of them joined the others hyungs in the car and went to work.
Practice at JYPE building was successful. Although Jinyoung could not sleep a wink, he was able to focus on each movement of their choreography. They had two concerts in Seoul before the international tour and he intended give his best performance to his fans. He was concentrated on being professional even though he was going through an enormous emotional turmoil. Getting busy at least distracted his mind a bit from the eminent break up. He talked to dancers, he monitored his and the other members’ moves, he suggested new ideas to their manager, producers, choreographers and the staff in general. JB couldn’t be more satisfied with his commitment to their work.
When Jinyoung wasn’t working out he would be at the studio practicing his singing, composing and even trying to write melodies for a future Got7 album. Back at the apartment when he wasn’t too tired from the exhausting rehearsals he would hide from Mark in the room he shared with Bambam. His Thai dongsaeng was loud and most of the time he would be on the phone or listening to music and his belongings would often be all over the place, but the singer couldn’t complain, since he was the one who separated him from the other maknae. When he couldn’t stand his foreign member anymore all he did was wear his earplugs and read a book. Occasionally, Jackson would drag him to a corner and put pressure on him to do what he had agreed to do, but Jinyoung would tell him to have patience, and assure him that he would leave Mark as soon as he found the right moment. The rapper, on the other hand, avoided any kind of interaction with the American. Most of the time he ignored his presence and even though they were under the same roof, they had almost no one to intermediate their communication. Jackson felt tempted to ask him about his past and all the horrible things he described to Jinyoung but he didn’t have enough courage to do it. They had to postpone the therapy sessions for a while, since they were too busy with the upcoming concerts, so they usually kept to themselves. Mark didn’t mind Yugyeom’s presence in his room, but the American was never much talkative and even though his dongsaeng tried to strike up a conversation, he wouldn’t show much interest in it. He missed his boyfriend and knowing that he was so far and so close made him feel lonelier than ever. Youngjae sometimes tried to distract him and introduce his hyung to some brand new games, yet, the American would tire of them too fast.
Noticing the older’s low-spiritedness, Yugyeom, JB and Youngjae teamed up to bring the Markjin couple closer and even asked Bambam to leave his room one night and let Mark and Jinyoung have some privacy. Jackson overheard their plan and told Jinyoung about it. The rapper didn’t miss the chance to remind the singer of their agreement, but the Korean insisted that he would fulfill his part of the deal and claimed that he just needed a few more days. The only problem was his inability to dodge Mark’s advances when he was locked up in a room with him.
“I miss you.” Mark declared, as he entered the JinBam’s room and closed the door behind him. He swiftly took away the book Jinyoung was reading and threw it on the floor just to sit on his lap. The sensation of having his boyfriend’s body so close to him after so long, made him almost sigh with pleasure. However, he had a goal to accomplish. For four days he had avoided any physical contact with the American and he knew that the actor in him could accomplish more than that without losing control.
“I was reading that.” he complained as he eyed the book on the floor.
“Hey, look at me, I’m more interesting than that stupid book.” Mark said excitedly as he turned his boyfriend’s face to him. Their eyes finally met and the Korean’s heart almost skipped a beat. The American beamed as he leaned in to capture his lips. However, the Korean turned his head, avoiding the contact.
“Mark, anyone could walk in on us. What about keeping things PG?” Jinyoung quoted the words of the leader, trying to ignore the dejected look on his boyfriend’s face.
“Did I do something wrong? You don’t even want to kiss me anymore.” Mark looked lost, he couldn’t understand his lover’s behavior.
“Mark, don’t be unreasonable. Of course you did nothing wrong. But you’re being clingy and we should concentrate in our upcoming performances right now.” The singer said sounding convincing enough. The American glared at him as he left his lap and stood up quickly.
“Clingy? Jinyoung you don’t even look at me lately! I tried my best not to confront you about it, but since I told you what happened to me, it’s clear that you’ve been avoiding me! What am I supposed to do?! You think I’m filthy or something?” Mark asked sorrowfully. He didn’t understand what happened to that kind Jinyoung who quietly listened to his dreadful story and promised to be there for him.
“Mark, stop doing that. If you’re going to throw a pity party, you should go to Yugyeom’s room.” Jinyoung said without flinching. His tone was cold and commanding. His lover froze on the spot.
“I’m sorry.” The American said immediately, scared to say anything else that could upset the younger. The singer felt extremely sorry for him, but he could not bring himself to comfort the older now.
“I know you’re lonely. But I have a solution to that, which will benefit us both.” The Korean informed him as he observed how his boyfriend’s eyes filled with hope. The singer hated to be the one to ruin his lover’s emotional stability.
“Let’s open our relationship.” Jinyoung examined the sudden change in his boyfriend’s features. Seconds ago he looked like he was about to cry, but now his expression was almost stoic. The younger expected the American to yell and curse at him, but that didn’t happen. He was taken aback by the question he heard next.
“Do you have your eyes on someone? There are some cute dancers who just arrived at JYPE. What do you say we share them?” Mark asked quietly as he walked around the room. He desperately wanted to save that relationship. He had no idea why Jinyoung brought that up, but he saw that as a sign of a possible near break up. He didn’t want that, he couldn’t lose Jinyoung. And he would do anything to keep them together, even if he had to accept the fact that his lover might be sleeping with someone else.
“I’m able to find my own partners, Mark. You should do the same. After all, you look more sex deprived than me. Don’t hold back, and make sure you enjoy yourself. I can assure you I will.” Jinyoung saw the American’s eyes blink rapidly. He wished he could take back those words and not see the hidden disappointment in them. Mark took a deep breath before he started talking again.
“Do you still love me?” he asked, without giving away the instant despair that crawled in his skin.
“If you really need me to answer this question to know how I really feel, then you don’t know me at all.” Jinyoung declared, as he could feel his own heart shattering. Mark approached his bed again, and bent down as he stared right into his eyes with an awkward smile playing in his lips. The American suddenly gave his boyfriend a quick peck on the lips and walked to the door.
“Remember who we are, and remember who has just kissed you.” The American said somberly and left the room. Jinyoung could only allow his tears to fall when his lover left him in company of his own grief. Those words haunted the singer. He remembered Jackson said something like that to Mark the same night letter2u forced him and the American to have their fateful first kiss. He also remembered how that night changed everything for the three of them.
When Bambam returned to the room, he found his hyung already asleep with dried tears adorning his face. As the Thai boy covered him with a blanket, he wondered for how that tragic love triangle would last. He just hoped that whenever it was over, Got7 would manage to stay alive.
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