Escrita por: iguer
That was the only class we had together —actually that and P. E. but he being a typical jock, good at every sport and being the first to be picked and me hiding in my corner praying not to be chosen, and not being chosen after all, didn't seem much like having a class together—. And I must say I spent the whole week looking forward to Monday to arrive because I'd get to talk to him, even though I didn't talk much.
In the beginning, he always sat by my side. I was worried about not being weird, so I thought it'd be best to act cool, meaning act like kind of indifferent as if i didn't care much, meaning act like a jerk. I tried to act indifferent, but I can see it seemed a lot like he annoyed me. So eventually he didn't bother anymore, he just sat in whatever place was vacant and replied my “hellos” with simple “sup”, which incredibly was gentler than the first thing I said to him.
— Hello, my name's Brendon.
— Yeah, the teacher kinda literally just announced that. — It was the bitter sarcasm I tried to do, but usually ended up just being unnecessary and rude. I tried smiling, but it was no good.
What annoyed me was how I never knew what to say to his smart comments, I never had anything as smart to answer; it annoyed me that I felt different when he was around.
I told Gerard that, not mentioning Brendon's name, of course, and being careful to use words like "someone", "anybody", etc., and to change every pronoun to gender neutral. And for my surprise, Gerard said he totally understood how I felt, even though I thought I wasn't making any sense.
— Yeah, I feel… I've felt like that too…
But he seemed uncomfortable and didn't say much about the matter.
— So, um… that new guy, um, Brendon… — I started as if Brendon was a still undiscussed subject, as if hadn't been talking about him for about half an hour. — How old is he? — I knew he was my age, he told me soon after his name.
— Why do you ask?
— Um, I don't know, it's just that I've never seen someone younger hanging out with you and your group, he seems younger.
— He's, um, I don't know, 16 I guess. He's cool.
He's cool, yes.
— 16, yeah, he's your age. And his a faggot, too, you two have a lot in common, you should get along — he was grinning.
— So that's why you two already get along fine, is it?
Gerard came to me and put a finger in my shoulder with a face of false disgust.
— It's alright to be gay, bro, I'll still love you. Well just have to stop hugging in public, and in private, but it's alright, and also keep away from me. —He was laughing now.
— Fuck off. — I laughed, too.
Thursdays we had P. E., which was another opportunity for me to see him, but i didn't like these classes. I know normally I should prefer them because I got to see him ass sweating and acting more masculine than usual and in those sleeveless shirts every now and then failing to cover his nipples and all that stereotypical cliché stuff. But I hated them. There was no way I could talk to him during these classes. We never stopped playing. He never sat on the bench, he hardly ever came in the bench's direction, except to grab a bottle of water and, after one of two huge swallows, go back to running around and screaming “gimme the ball”, “go, go, go”, “c'mon, to the left”, or anything like that.
Monday. I arrive later than what I use to and Brendon's already in class. I walk hesitantly and sit by his side, not at the back of the room. I don't know why I do this, but I do and feel like I can't just change my mind and go to my usual seat or my nervousness will show.
— Hey — I try to say casually.
— Sup — there's a hint of strangeness in his face at first, but then he's just cool again. Cool as I'll never be.
— Are you coming to the party, Saturday?
— Yeah, sure.
— Yeah — it's more a whisper than anything. — Me too, I think. I'm not very fond of parties, but, I don't know, it'll be nice, I think.
— Anyone special will be there?
— Uh, um, no, no. No one.
— Let's meet up, then.
— I'm not meeting anyone either, let's meet up there.
— Yeah, sure. Sure.
The week couldn’t take longer to pass. I spent the whole week counting the days, hours and minutes to Saturday. It looked like it’d never come, “finally” I had to whisper when it finally did.
– Help me – I say unannounced appearing at the door of Gerard’s room.
– With clothes. What should I wear?
– Dude, I don’t know, it’s just a simple party, it’s no prom, chill.
– I am chill – I lie. – What are you wearing? – He raises his eyebrows and makes a gesture with his hands pointing at himself, indicating that he was already ready to go, even though he is lying in bed, seeming to be in no rush. He has black jeans pants, black shirt, and black shoes, basically, what he wears every day.
He reaches for his closed, grabs a white shirt and throws it to me. It has soft, thin blue lines in it and does not seem like something Gerard would wear, but I don’t say anything, just take it and leave. I wear the shit and don’t change the dark blue jeans and red All Star. Apparently, I took a while convincing myself the outfit was good, because when I am leaving, I realize Gerard has already left.
It doesn’t take me more than five minutes to arrive at school by foot, the party has already begun, it happens in the gym. I sit at the terraces and look around trying to convince myself I am looking for no one in particular. I find Gerard. He is making out with a blonde girl who has my height and it is funny to see how he has to bow a little in order to kiss her. I go to the table in front of me, to get myself some fruit punch, I have no hurry in doing so, the most time I manage to spend out of the terraces, doing something so I don’t look and feel so awkward the better. I get kind of lost in my thoughts and stop looking to people on the dancefloor. When I get back to my spot, I spot him. There, right next to Gerard, making out with the girl Gerard was making out with just moments ago. Gerard is talking with Ray and Frank is close to them, but I can remark he is not talking; he seems to be more concentrated on the couple, even though he is not directly looking at them.
I stop looking too. I get up and head to the bathroom.
– Hey, Mikey! Hey! – I hear Brendon call and, in seconds, he is by me.
– Oh, hey – I say as if I hadn’t seen him yet.
– C’mon, come to the middle, we’re right there – he points at where the rest of the boys are.
– Um, yeah, I’m just gonna go to the toilet real fast.
– Ok, alright. Then let’s meet there right by that corner, I’ll wait for you.
I go to the bathroom, but since I didn’t really felt any need of being there, soon I leave. There is no Brendon, no sign of him. I go to where I saw my brother and the others and realize my brother is missing too. Since I am already walking towards them I just go on. I greet Ray and Frank, we are not really close, but we salute each other when we pass by every now and then on the hallways.
– Where is my brother? – I ask Frank.
– I don’t know, they just left.
– Yeah, Brendon too.
– Oh. – I shrug trying to look casual and go back to the terraces. A while passes and still no sign of the two. Then, around fifteen minutes later, they reenter the gym, coming from the field. Brendon sees me sitting and comes to me.
– Hey, sorry I vanished. – He laughs apologetically. – Hey, come. Let’s go.
– Come, you’ll see. – We start to leave the gym as he leads me to where he just came back from.
– So… the field… yeah, really exciting.
– It’s beautiful! Have you ever been here at night?
– Yeah, actually, a couple times.
He takes my hand and leads me to the top terrace.
– You are so boring, how can you just come here and not appreciate it? It’s a great place.
– I just don’t get what is so great about it.
– It’s great for making out.
– How do you know that… – my voices fades along the sentence and the last word is barely spoken, he is looking at me. Deep into my eyes. His pretty, small brown eyes locked on mine. I feel him getting closer and closer to me. I don’t know if it is me who pushes my head forward to reach my lips on his or if I just stand there frozen and waiting for his lips to reach mine so that I can be certain that isn’t a dream.
That isn’t a dream. I feel his lips on mine. My eyes close and now I can only see with my skin that feels his touch all over my body. I don’t have much experience with kissing and making out, and all that, but I know this is a good kiss, it feel so good. He holds me tight in his arms; he grabs my hips with a hand and has the other arm on my back, embracing my waist. He hold me tight but still is so gentle. I pass my hand over his head, messing his hair. He grabs my butt and in that moment, I start to feel something poking the region right above my hips. I can only think about checking if I am also poking him, but I am so involved in all that that I cannot concentrate and feel any specific part of my body. And then, all of a sudden he gets away from me.
– Come, we should go back. – He says and gives me a short fast kiss. He turns and starts to walk towards the stairs. – Come.
We go back to the gym, he goes back to the boys who are still in the middle of the crowd, and I go straight to the bathroom. I look myself in the mirror, trying to understand what just happened. I look down; yes, I was probably poking him too. In this moment I hear the door opening and Frank enters the bathroom, I see him through the mirror passing behind me and leaning on the basin at my left.
My relationship with Frank was weird, I never knew how he felt about me. I always felt like he didn’t like me. Maybe he didn’t hate me, but at least thought I was annoying, childish, or something like that. I felt that because I felt that throughout my childhood he was a little bugged by the fact that my brother always had to stop hanging out with him and the other boys because of me. My brother always had to come help me with something, he even sometimes was forbidden by our mother to leave the house while she was absent because I shouldn’t be left alone and all that.
– Enjoying the party?
– Yeah, it is pretty nice.
– But you haven’t been in it much.
– Come again?
– You left, you and Brendon, where were you?
– Oh, um, nowhere, um, we were just, we just left for a moment, but…
– Incredible how you always steal them all from me. – I can swear I heard him whisper.
– I’m sorry?
– Um, nothing, I was, thinking aloud…
We went back to the party. Gerard and Brendon once more were gone.
– He went home – Ray answered when I asked him where my brother was.
– And Brendon? – I ask.
– Just vanished with some girl, I don’t know who. Anyways…