História SteelYard 10: Innocence & Instinct - The thin line between innocence and instinct can be easily surpassed

"Richard, Richard, please, wake up!" - Ganna importunates me, taking me out of my sleep.

"Richard!" - Ganna begs me, with a painful voice.

"What happened, Ganna?" - I ask get, trying to seem comprehensive.

"It hurts. Please, help me. Something is wrong with the baby." - I can feel the pain in Ganna's voice.

I raise astoundingly fast. My God, if something happen with Ganna and Sophia I would never apologize myself.

"Ok, let me call the emergency service." - I try to get out of the bed, but Ganna embraces me strongly, to don't let me go.

"Richard, stay with me, please." - Ganna seem afraid. I hate to see her afraid.

Then, I hug her. "No, I'll never leave you. Just let me find my phone." - I say, making her look to me. I catch my phone, right on my bed's side, and call the emergency service.

Once I finish the call, I hug Ganna strongly. "Be calm, I'm here." - I whisper to her. I can hear Ganna cry silently. I know what this mean: she fears that something wrong is going with her or with Sophia.

"Ganna, keep calm, I'll never let anything bad happen." - I whisper to her, and then, I kiss her hair.

I was holding Ganna, trying to don't sleep again, when a full-of-fear Ganna surprisingly awakes me. "Richard, I'm bleeding." - she seem desperate, but tries to keep herself calm.

My heart is filled with despair each passing second. I turn the light on, and then, I can see what's going on.

"My God!" - I whisper, surprised, while I rapidly take all the blankets out and throw them on the ground. The bed is completely stained of blood and water.

"Ganna, does it hurt?" - I ask, astoundingly despaired.

I look to her, while I try to see her downyards. She nods to me, with a fearful face.

We, men, know that childbirth is a process guided by the instinct.

Here ends our journey through the innocence and starts our ride through the instinct.

"Ganna, what are you feeling?" - I ask her, observing her downyards.

"Pain. A lot of pain." - willingly says to me, trying to don't babble by the pain.

"How is this pain? Can you explain it to me?" - I ask, trying to understand what she is feeling.

"I don't know how to explain." - Ganna says, a bit mad.

The ambulance arrives. Ganna, although weak, don't let me go. When we arrive in the Prayamar's General Hospital, the real problem appears. They want to separate Ganna from me for a brief moment.

"Ganna, what is the problem? You don't want to be watched by them?" - I ask her.

"My problem is with you. Will you let them watch me? I preserve myself to you. Will you let them touch me?" - Ganna asks me, fearfully.

Oh! Hear from her that she preserves herself to me fills me with love. Of course, that doctors dealing with my Ganna may take my patience away. But I can try it.

"I can try it. But, will you let them touch you? The choice is in your hands." - I say to her. She looks to me with love.

In Arsia, we have a different perspective; while, for an example, an english women wants to be near an doctor, the arsians prefer their husbands around. And all of this for a preservation matter.

I love how much Ganna wants to preserve herself to me. But I can't understand why. Anyway, I still love it.

"No, I want you." - Ganna finally answers me. It's my chance to know why.

"Why, Ganna? They are here to help you." - I try to understand.

"I preserve myself to you because I like your touch. It's pure. No one but you touched me, and, I want to this purity remain." - Ganna tells me, looking into my eyes.

I think now I understand. It breaks a purity chain between us. Well, I agree, I want her to be only mine.

"Ganna, are you sure you don't want to?" - I question her for the last time.

"No. I want to remain pure for you." -she answers.

Okay. No problem.

"Richard, can you stay with me?" - she asks me.

"Yes, but, let me do a thing first." - I tell her.

"Promise to me you won't take so much time." - she begs me.

"I promise, because I don't want to leave you alone for so much." - I pledge her, and then, I kiss her hand and leave.

I start a search for an close doctor.

"Sir, is there a problem if only me and my wife stay together during the labor?" - I ask to an elder doctor.

"No sir, we let it, by the way." - he tells me.

"Thank you, sir." - I say, and turn around to get back to Ganna.

"Where are your wife?" - he asks me before I could leave.

"Room 2 or 3 of the Nursery. Ganna Stepanova." - I say.

"Okay, I'll be around. Scream if you need." - he says, and I nod to him in thanks.

Back to Ganna, I found her mid-fainted on the way to the room's door. She still breathing, but somehow her mind is lost.

"Ganna! Ganna, please, wake up!" - I scream, while I raise and shake her, despaired.

"Richard!" - she whispers, recovering her consciousness.

"I'm here. I'm here, Ganna. Please, keep calm." - I whisper to her.

"Richard, please, stay with me!" - she begs me while I lift her and carry her back to the bed.

"Ganna, I will, but, please, let me know what are you feeling." - I ask her, that tightly embraces me, despite all the pain she seem to feel.

"I'm afraid, Richard." - she says, hiding herself on my arms.

"Don't need to be afraid, Ganna, I'll help you. I just want to understand what are you feeling." - I try to be comprehensive with Ganna.

"Please, just promise to me that you will take care of Sophia for me." - she begs me.

I quit trying to understand it.

"I promise, Ganna." - I pledge her.

"I know this might seem strange, but, can I ask you a thing?" - Ganna weakly asks me.

"Whatever you want." - I answer, comprehensively.

"Can you caress me?" - Ganna asks, sweetly.

"Yes, but, why?" - I ask. I like to caress Ganna, but, it's a weird moment.

"I want to feel you." - Ganna begs me.

Okay, so. I nod and Ganna open her gown, not before I lock the room's door.

It's such a wonderful feeling to taste each part of her body. I can see tears roll through her face, and I take them off with my hand.

It's impossible to know what Ganna is feeling now. But, I know she is afeared.

Carefully, I caressed her until I sleep. I woke with her conducting my hand through her body and crying.

"Ganna, is something wrong?" - I ask her, while I clean her tears.

"Nothing, Richard." - she says calmly.

I'll not force her to say. Let her fight with her own demons.

"Ganna, do you want something to eat?" - I ask. I need to get out of here, I'm getting sick of being stuck here.

"Yes, I want. Can you bring me spaghetti? But, please, don't take so much time." - Ganna begs me, weak and sleepy.

Spaghetti. Okay, this is strange.

Ganna is so emotive today. I really don't know what is going on her head, but, I guarantee, she is not like this.

In the elevator, I'm thinking on where am I going to get spaghetti at 3pm.

I'll get it at home.

After taking a HPTrain, which took about 15 minutes, I try to prepare Ganna's spaghetti. I am so hungry that I could eat it all and leave Ganna without.

I eat before getting back. I arrange Ganna's spaghetti in the midst of the baby Sophia's things.

I take the car.

I was getting out of the elevator in Ganna's level, when I heard her screaming angrily. Everyone was trying to see what was going on.

When I first get into the room, Ganna is almost attacking a nurse. I take her away for a moment.

"Ganna, what's going on?" - I ask her, that looks to me terrified.

"Take her out of here, she is going to steal Sophia!" - she screams.

"No one is going to steal Sophia, because I'll not let this happen." - I try to calm her down.

"Yes, she will, she will take her and will kill me just after this!" - she screams back.

Oh, Ganna, why is this happening? What's the problem?

"Ganna, why are you saying this?" - I try to understand her anger, but, without success.

"She is going to take Sophia away from me!" - she insists.

I look to the nurse. Maybe it's because she have some traces of her stepmother. I don't think it could be her, but, let's guarantee it. I hold Ganna tightly.

"What's your name?" - I ask the nurse, that looks to me terrified. "Don't lie to me." - I try to seem gentle.

"Irina." - she says, with fear.

"The guards here have handcuffs?" - I ask her, that answers me nodding - "So, take four. It's time to take some drastic decisions.".

She gets out, fastly. Then, I get back to Ganna.

"Ganna, please, what's going on?" - I try to speak gently.

She cries, breathing heavily.

"Ganna, I never were rude with you, and I don't want to be now. Please, what's wrong?" - I speak, trying to be helpful.

"Nothing, Richard. I don't want to speak about it. Just, please, stay with me." - she calms down.

Well, if she doesn't want to speak, I can't force her to tell.

The nurse enters in our room with two pairs of handcuffs. Ganna freezes.

"What are you going to do, Richard?" - Ganna asks me between heavy breaths.

"I'll protect you from yourself." - I answer her while I take the handcuffs from the nurse's hands.

Ganna looks to me terrified. I know I'm being a bit rude with her, but, this is going to be necessary.

I conduct Ganna to the bed. She still looking to me with a horrified face. I gently attach her to the bed.

"This is for your sake, Ganna. Now, don't matter, you'll remain pure, they will touch you, and I'll let them do it." - I speak gently, but, with a bit of anger in my voice.

I look to the nurse. "Promise to me you'll deal with her only while I'm here." - I say to her, that nods to me and Ganna.

"Can I?" - the nurse asks. I nod to her, and look to Ganna, that agrees against her own will. Then, I just look to what the nurse is doing with Ganna, but, my mind is away from Arsia.

Why Ganna reacted on that way? I can't understand. Is there something she hid from me? I look to that terrified Ganna, that controls her anger against her instinct. Why does she think that someone would steal Sophia? She may be nervous attached to the bed. I am trying to keep the things going well.

The nurse gets out, and the room gets silent. Ganna tries to get rid of the handcuffs.

"Ganna, can I trust you? Can I trust that you won't do anything idiot?" - I ask her.

"Yes, you can. Richard, please, forgive me, I'm afraid." - she gently answers me.

I let her go, hug her strongly and give a light kiss on her forehead.

"Can you stay with me?" - she asks me. I just nod, and sit right by her side on the bed.

"Can I caress your head?" - she asks me. She is trying to compensate all the dumbness she committed moments ago. I let her do it. It's funny, because, she always ask me to do something with me, when, actually, I don't think she need to.

I fell in sleep. Ganna's hands are so soft.

When I woke, Ganna was in the bathroom, and I could hear her screaming almost silently.

When I realized that something bad could be happening, I rose suddenly and gone to see Ganna.

Poor Ganna, was fallen on the ground, almost unconscious, with a stained gown.

My first reaction was to run and raise her.

"Ganna, are you hearing me? Please, wake up!" - I say, while I shake her to get a response.

"Richard?" - she whispers almost unhearable.

"Yes, it's me, Ganna, are you okay?" - I ask her.

"Richard... Sophia... she is coming." - out of breath, she answers me.

I raise her and carry her to the bed in my arms.

"Ganna, what are you feeling?" - I try to know how is her state. She is delaying to recover consciousness.

Even fearing, I run to the corridor. I scream for someone.

"What?" - I hear the nurse coming in my direction.

I couldn't speak, no words got out of my mouth. I took a long time to calm down my fears and say the first word.

"Ganna." - this is the only thing I got to say. She hours entering in the room, but my fear awakes me and I stop her.

"No, don't get there, or she will kill you, just like she almost did with the other nurse. Just tell me what to do." - I finally can say something.

"Watch her. Anytime, she will start to push by her own, or you can ask her to do it. But, be careful." - she says.

"Okay, thank you." - I say, and she goes by her way.

I get back to Ganna, which seem to be dorment by the pain.

I try to wake her. "Ganna." - I shake her.

"Richard! Please, stay with me, just for this last moment." - she begs me. I feel the mix of pain, fear and despair on her voice.

"Keep calm, Ganna. I'll never leave you." - I speak gently to her.

She holds me tightly. It's impossible to know what is going through her mind. I can hear her holding screams.

"Ganna, I don't mind if you want to scream." - I say, and, hardly, she nods to me. I reminded a thing.

"Ganna, did you eat your spaghetti?" - I ask her and she denies with her head.

I get rid of her embrace and catch her spaghetti. She stops me.

"No, Richard, I don't need that. Come here, help me." - she hardly tells me. I go.

"What are you feeling, Ganna?" - I ask her.

"Sophia, Richard. She us coming up. What I'm feeling is a kinda strange." - she says to me.

"Ganna, you can say it, I promise I won't laugh." - I pledge her.

Poor Ganna, she would kill me if I laugh.

"I need to push." - Ganna says to me.

I knew that this would be the answer, but, in the same way, I couldn't keep my laugh, and I let a smile appear.

"Oh, whatever. Come here. I know what to do, I just want to you to stay with me." - she says, smiling to me with difficulty.

I follow her will. She lays on me, and rides my hand through her belly, where I can feel lots of things happening on Ganna's body. With her left hand, she holds on the back of my neck to don't fall to get front, while she sits uprightly in me.

"I want you to be part of this moment. Let's do it together." - she says to me.

Together. Okay, now, Ganna had a good idea.

"Ganna, are you okay?" - I ask her.

"I'll not lie. No." - she says, burst out laughing.

"By this laugh, I would say you're very well." - I say to her, that let a groan flow through the room, and denies with her head.

By this time, Ganna started pushing. And pushed. Pushed. Pushed, for a long time, and I, was away of that moment.

My mind was somehow lost on the time, on the space.

I went back when Ganna rested her head in my shoulder, panting.

I could hear the fear in her heavy breath. "Ganna, you can do it." - I whisper in her ear, embracing her as strongest as I could.

She goes pushing. Poor Ganna, if I could help her by forcing it along.

She interrupts one of her pushes. Something is wrong.

"Ganna, what happened?" - I ask her, that is panting in my shoulder.

She can't answer me, she needs to breath correctly. I loose her for a while and get out of her back.

I go straightly to her downyards. Okay, this scene is a bit weird, terrifying. I could see something getting out of Ganna. Then, I realized it could be Sophia's head.

I catch Ganna's hand. "Ganna, I can see Sophia coming. Don't give up." - I say to her, that listens with attention and takes a deep breath before start pushing once again.

Ganna holds her screams. The expression of her face is the reflection of a enormous pain. The tears mix with the sweat, the tips of her hair are wet.

As Ganna keep pushing, I can see Sophia. I tell Ganna to stop, to the head pass through her without hurt. She holds my hand tightly than ever.

"What are you feeling, Ganna?" - I ask her, surprised by the strenght she applies on my hand.

"It's like a sword cutting your inside. Burns." - she answers me, focused in not babbling.

In this moment, a nurse come just to put a cardiac monitor on Ganna, a thing that should be on her hours ago, but she didn't let it.

It's a annoying and importunating sound, but, we learned to work with.

"We're going well, Ganna. Sophia's head is out. You need to push even fiercely." - I say to her, that nods to me taking a deep breath.

She gives a strong push, loosens a scream and holds my hand tightly.

She is doing a great effort.

Ganna moves with the twinges that the sensations cause her, making her to tremble and lose respiration for some seconds.

Each twinge make her loose a scream, which hurts in my innermost.

Sophia is tiny compared to a normal baby when born. Ganna stood pregnant for the correct time.

"Yes, Ganna, keep going! Sophia is coming." - I say to her, that contorts herself with the twinges and holds my hand tightly. I can see Sophia's little body.

"Keep pushing, Ganna, she almost out!" - I say, loosing Ganna's hand to get Sophia.

Once Sophia is out, I led her to Ganna's arms.

"She is yours now. Take care of her." - Ganna says with melancholy, out of breath.

"Ganna, please, don't say that." - I say, crying. Why Ganna is telling me this?

I can hear the monitor warn that Ganna's heart is about to stop.

No, Ganna can't leave me. The hand that was holding Sophia falls.

"Ganna! Ganna! Please, don't leave me!" - I say while I shake her fiercely to obtain a response. Despaired, I try to reanimate her.

A nurse get me out of the room, while I see other nurse using the defibrillator in Ganna, without success.

It's over. Ganna is gone. Sophia cries, maybe because she knows that her mother is not with her.

Why, universe? Why did you took Ganna away from me?

I try to calm Sophia down.

I am directed to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit, because of Sophia's low weight.

Within minutes, lots of probes were connected to Sophia. If it wasn't so fast, she could die.

"Sir, do you want to hold her? This might calm and help her." - the responsible for Sophia says. I nod.

She gives me Sophia, with a lot of cables, wires, pipes. My girl seem even little with all this.

Sophia was agitated, and once comfortably tucked in my arms, slept.

Now I know why Ganna made me promise to take care of our little Sophia. She knew she would die.

Looking to that sleepy Sophia, graceful and fragile like her mother, I start to cry.

I loved Ganna so much.

Sophia is a faithful copy of Ganna. Her eyes, her nose.

I was holding a treasure, of a puppet bear size.

The time passed. 28 minutes, to be exact.

Sophia's monitors started to beep frenetically.

"Oh, no, you too, Sophia?" - I whisper to her.

A nurse comes and takes Sophia from me. She is having a cardiac arrest. I can see the nurse use the defibrillator, but, without success. The universe also took Sophia away.

There isn't ground to my feet.

The anguish takes my heart, fear fills my mind.

I keep looking Sophia. "Sir, please, help us to take Ganna out of the morgue, she is desperate." - other nurse comes and takes me out of that depressive state.

"How? I saw her monitor confirm that she was dead!" - I say, desperate.

No, I can't believe that Ganna resurrected.

I follow her. I had to take a deep breath before entering the morgue.

I could say that the first thing I saw was a afraid little girl. Getting near, yes, it was Ganna!

Ganna looked like a scared little girl, curled up on the aluminum stretcher.

Running to her, even not believing, I had to act as fast as I could, so I took her on my arms and got out of the morgue. "Don't look anything." - I say to Ganna, that embraces and hides herself on me, tightly, without asking.

She is naked, but she don't care about it. Even I. I'm so happy, that, at least, she came back to me.

I lay her on a bed in another room. Everyone is trying to see how is Ganna's state. Is a miracle that she survived.

That little, fragile, traumatized Ganna went back for a while.

"Where is Sophia?" - poor Ganna asks me.

"She didn't survived without you." - I say, despaired, fearing that Ganna could have a psychotic crisis.

She just hugs me, without hold her moans and tears.

She could fall in a crisis, but, instead, she is hugging me.

The days have been such a crazy thing. The Head of the Hospital asked us to stay until they guarantee that Ganna was okay.

I am taking care of a depressive Ganna. Bathing her, feeding her.

Leading her to the bathroom, I carefully puts her down the shower, and I take out my clothing to join her.

I go straightly to her back, to make a massage. She loosens her tense body, as what I can percept.

"Can I tell you a story?" - she whispers to me.

"Yes, Ganna, come here." - I sit under the shower and Ganna sits right by my side, difficultly.

"My mom was killed just after I was born. My stepmother took me on her arms, and with a gun, shoot my mom and my dad." - she says to me. Ganna never told me this. But, because I never forced her to tell it.

She cries. Surprisingly, she hugs me, strong and tightly, without asking. She sits on my lap. Its a victory to me, to see her so spontaneous.

"Hey, keep calm, I'm here." - I whisper to her, while caressing her wet hair.

Suddenly, she rides her nose until reach mine. And gives me a light kiss.

"What do you want, Miss Stepanova?" - I ask her, unpretentiously.

"You." - teasingly, she whispers on my ear.

"As much as you want." - I whisper back.

She gives me another kiss. This one, despite its lightness, is sweet, passionate.

I lay her down. Okay, now, as strange as it seem, I want her to keep quiet and feel the pleasure. I want to work with the hardest part.

"Does the blood take your desire?" - she asks me. Oh, please! Her blood makes me want her even more.

"I don't mind. Are you sure that this is not going to hurt you?" - I ask her.

"You would never hurt me." - she answers me, teasingly.

Man, how much I missed her.

I lay on her to give her a kiss, and, she, automatically, arranges herself to me.

Her last kiss on me is sufficient to completely arouse me and make me get on her.

When she gives me a passionate kiss, I use to handover the control to her, but, today, despite my urge to have her on me, I want her to relax at most.

She puts her hand on my shoulder, while the other goes to my hair and she lifts herself to reach my mouth and give me a kiss. Having her caressing me without a authorization is a victory.

She enlarged, but, still pleasuring.

I intertwine my fingers with hers, as a sign that we are close to our peak.

When we reach it, together, for the first time in all my life, I hear her maddening moan. Such an amazing sound.

The face she does is such a wonderful thing, as well.

I go to her back, and I start a massage. The way she looks above her shoulders drive me crazy. She is quite sensual to me.

I stop the massage and I run my hands through her body. The way she goes along is amazing.

Getting to its end, I let her enjoy a bath alone, and I arrange everything to get her out of there.

I carry her on my arms to the bed, and I lay her on the towel stretched. I dry her body willingly, with all the care and sensuality. Then, I put a diaper on her, because, after she gave birth, she didn't stop bleeding. And, to finish, I dress her up with the hospital gown, and lay on her side.

Poor Ganna, if wasn't by her delicate state, I wanted her with all my strenght.

She sleeps without loose my hand. But, in the midst of the night, what I most feared happens.

Ganna went out of the room.

I followed her. When I saw her, she got a syringe full of Lorazepam from a nurse.

"I don't have anything to make sense in my life anymore." - Ganna says, determinated to kill herself by applying it on her heart.

I ran and I took the syringe from her, embracing her tightly.

Oh, Ganna. I thought I could trust you.

"Ganna, please, stop." - I say, while she tries to get rid of me.

I make her look to me. "Ganna..." - I say while she looks to me with a lost gaze.

She gradually falls into reality. And hugs me strongly. Okay. She is giving signs that she wasn't understanding what she was doing.

"Forgive me, Richard." - she whispers only to me.

"Come." - I take her on my arms and lead her to the bed.

"Ganna, watch yourself, or I will attach you to the bed again." - I say to her, that nods to me.

She hugs me and fall into sleep without asking me to.