Escrita por: weirdxxz_han
I was worried. Worried a lot 'bout him. 'Bout his health, mental and emocional health. I knew he was probably feeling down and he should be avoiding fight or discuss something, and avoiding get angry or mad with me. And I appreciate that. But, I still get worried.
Once I told him that I get nervous about everything. And even if it's a bad moment, I'll comprehend if he just says "hey I'm not that well and i really don't want to talk now" even if he tell at me I would comprehend and still hug him like the most fluffy bear in the world.
You're right, I have a lot of fear inside of me. God only knows how much I cried after you said that's over. I felt like I died. I cried like I had lost everything. Because you're my everything now.
I know I'm complicated. I really know it, and I apologize for that. I'm so glad for you taking care of me, for support me in the good and bad ways. For watch me cry, for hear my problems, for picking me up when I was completely drugged . And I'm sorry for that too. You don't need any other problem and I know I'm a mess and I messed up your life. I am really sorry my angel.
When I first meet him I knew I could count on him. I felt, for the very first time in my life, security, truth. But as always, the other parts of me were screaming like crazy "hey you know that this would end like the others don't ya?"
But I ignored all the voices in my head and I gave a step in the happiness direction. I told myself I would have a real friend, that I would learn to love, I would take care of him, and finally free myself of all the psychotic problems in my mind.
So the voices were over, I was free. I got worried for him. I care him like a baby cause he is, and I learn to love, I learn what is love. I loved him like I never loved anyone before, because he was special. And he still is.
I can't express my gratitude for having him by my side. Like really. He's the most precious human I ever meet. We went through a lot of things together, something's were unnecessary because I'm an idiot. I am sorry again.
I'm not making an excuse using "the other parts of me" it's just that I am used to feel always the same feeling.
"I don't know why I'm scared, cause I've been here before, with every feeling every word, I've imagine it all."
"You'll never know if you never try to forgive your past"
The day i sent him the link of this music I was trying to say I'm scared. I've already had some similar relations of friendship. Not like with kisses or confidence. But Like, intense. or I leave them or they leave me. But the matter... I didn't care for all of them. It doesn't make difference. But with him I felt. Every. Single. Insecurity.
I feared be abandoned. This time I cared. This time I cared too much. I felt from the start. I'm terrified of being alone. I felt like I wasn't enough for him. And he would find someone he really really likes and leave me. And I know, I couldn't compete.
" he got everything to get the girl he wants. He's charismatic, he is cool, and he can have the girl he wants when he wants in a blink of an eye. And when that's happen, his girlfriend will not like you. Can you imagine his girlfriend happy with your friendship? No right? This will happen and it's normal, don't you worry and just accept it."
That's what I heard from a non-friend.
That made me insecure like I never felt before. I CAN'T BE WITHOUT HIM. He's my strength. He supports me. When I'm with him I felt it's everything okay. And when he said. "It's all over " I felt like he was meaning : " I'm leaving you, bye" and then I was desolated. In panic. I felt the same from the day I was drugged, panic panic panic panic, alone alone alone alone, fear fear fear fear.
"I can't believe he left me, what I am going to do now? "
I was in the shower. Crying a lot, cutting all my body, pushing my hair, crying with a pain in the heart. I couldn't breath very well. I was on my knees under the shower, crying and suffocating. I was in panic because I lost him. Because I'm an idiot. Because I already suffer too much in this life and I couldn't help myself but crying and crying.
When I stopped crying I start to cry again. Over and over again. I couldn't call my mom, my legs were bleeding .
I left the shower still crying and then I was trembling like freak. I was thinking in drown myself in that bathtub. When I finally could left the bathroom I lay down and start to cry till I can't breath. I couldn't breath and I felt I couldn't move. I was about to faint and I try so much to get up. I couldn't even cry. But when the tears came out I could breath and call my mom. She hug me but I still feel sad. Empty
All I was thinking
I wanna hug him. I need him. I really need him.
I wanted to kneel in front of him and beg him to stay. Beg him "don't leave you're all I have."
I have a time. A time for myself. My time. I'm learning to like this way. But I'm afraid. And I think he can't understand that. I wish he could.
I'm still crying but I'm in my bed now. Hugging the bears he gave me and wishing he forgive for being a fool. I'm trembling and breathing deeply cause I'm still scared. I don't want to lost him. my eyes look like they've been punched. I look terrible. I feel like i need to die. I want to die. It's hurting me so deeply. I swear i have never felt this bad before. I think im really depressed now. What if i die now?
Don't leave me.