Escrita por: weirdxxz
I tried to send you a message, but everytime I was writing something it seemed wrong and ridiculous.
My cheeks are burning, i cried a lot again, but because of that make up now my face is hurting.
To be honest I was about to cut my wrists. And I thought "no one's gonna see this, and I don't need to tell anyone, as always". But, I didn't.
I wanna tell you the things, but I also don't want to disturb you. And this voice keeps saying the same to me. "He'll be tired of this, of you. You know right?"
I say no everytime, I tell her that I can count on you, but she insists that it's bullshit. "You're annoying. And what if he starts thinking you're just a freak for attention? What if he already think you are? You know this is unbearable, what makes you think that they all likes to hear you talk? You're such a crybaby, not even our selves can stand yourself"
I hate giving people the links to read this because in some way they never really understand what I write, they always get mad at me feeling bad and crying instead of saying something nice to calm things down. But you're clever, and i hope you understand. I hate exposing myself this way, but at this point it's necessary. I really tried to text but something just don't let me because its seems really really idiot doing it, making you worry about it and wasting your time. So I'm sorry for being this silly.
I was talking with my mom about psychology, and i knew it was end up like this. She yelling at me and I trying to say that all this situation is wrong. I told her how her words hurt, all she needed to do what apologize for one thing that still hurts me everytime. But she preferred to stay with the proud reason. I asked her why she's so lovely and comprehensive with others and so rude with me. But it's okay, we all have our flaws, don't we?
I just...felt stupid. Useless. Disgusting.
Sometimes i just want to call you, hear your voice, and say I love you and make some stupid joke, or cry and ask for help. But I guess that this sounds bad, that I'm relying on you too much. So I don't. So I wait for something uncertain.
Right now i want to delete this or forget about to send this. But this is hurting me so I can't. All this pressure. "Get a job" "go study" "move" "go take the dogs out" "cmon why are you sad?" "Why am I feeling like this?" "You have tests next month" "I need to lose weight" "I need to do some medical exams" "i need money" "I need to help my family" "Why everyone's putting me aside?"
I'm handling all the stress as the days are going, swallowing all this. But it's hard, so these days I'm crying a lot, feeling too much, and I'm sorry for being so noisy. And when we talk, I just want to share love and forget about about what makes me sad, but I wish I could stay hugged until all this pain that is tightening my chest disappears.
I wish I could sing for my life. I wish I could sing to make things better. I wish I could dance to make this feelings leave. I wish I could be happy everyday. I wish all the things that happened to me once just go away from my memory. I wish people could understand me.
I still feel those hands on my skin, I hate this. I feel dirty. I feel rage. I wish I could rip my skin off to take away that loathsome touch. Why me? Why so many times? One wasn't enough? Why I have to go through this? I wasn't mean to born. I shouldn't be here. I wasnt planned. I was the result of an abuse. I brought disgrace to everyone. All their lifes were fucked up because of me. I bet she look at my face and wants to kick me out because I have some of his traces. I hate myself. Why? Why this happened? I'm always failing the things I try. I want to rip of my lips, i want to make myself bleed till some new skin grow in my body. They took my rights from me, my privacy. They touched my lips, they touched my breasts, they touched my tights, they touched my skin, they rubbed against me, they did without my consent, they took the only thing that was only mine. Myself. And then told to "ssshh"
How people expect me to hold my tears? To hold my tongue? To hold my words? My feelings? My pain? It hurts so fucking much. I fear people outside. But the rage I feel inside of me it's bigger than that. I did a lot of mistakes, and I also fucked up myself.
Kids used to make fun of me, kids were always asking about my father's name on my documents, and why it was different from my actual dad's name, this breaks me everytime. Being so tall. Having this ugly nose. This genetic. I wanna erase this. Being the one between all my siblings that wasnt a real result of love, that wasnt an accident. I wonder how people look at me. Nobody choose me here, but here I am, I feel like im invading their lives.
So I'm really glad that you picked me as someone you want by your side. I love you too much.
I listened to a lot of things i didn't wanted to. Sometimes i heard some things that hurted me more than other people because of my past, but I just couldn't tell them to stop bullying me, because they would probably do worst if they knew. I feared every male teacher that approached to me. Once i was with math problems and the teacher offered me help, so instead of sports i would be having classes. But I declined because I didn't wanted to be alone with him, so he said in front of everyone thats why I'm so bad in math, that I don't do any effort to solve things, that I'm lazy, that I would have a big zero in my test. People laughed at me again, and I went to home crying, and my mom were always mad at me because she couldnt believe that I was such a dumb at maths since she a genius with numbers, but she never compliment me for the good grades on science, portuguese and history. I also trusted a girl once and said to her that i was abused, so she called another girl and told to her, they both laughed at me saying "hummmm she was abused" like if I was a whore and it was a good thing.
After all the things that happened, i started putting myself into dangerous situations, sometimes i didn't even noticed. Unconsciously i did the things I was avoiding.
I had to hear that I was exactly like my father. Evil. Disgusting. That I'm "really his daughter". I know she didn't meant to, i know because she took care of me all this time, she ran with me, hiding from him. But it still hurts.
There's a lot more of histories where this came from, there's pain for ten lifetimes.
Now, everytime someone fights me I shake like a blender, I cry, but I also don't shut my mouth. But I hate conflicts. Any kind of.
But I'm proud of myself, for staying strong all this time, for staying alive, for having big dreams, for still love and for giving me to other people. For caring so much about little things, for truly laughing. For having sparkles in my eyes even with the void inside of me. For being lovely and sensitive after all that hard times that made me close myself and look like a tough person. I lost count about how many times I wrote a suicide letter and then realized is worth living. I don't really wanna die. I just want this pain to disappear. I want someone to stay with me when I'm crying. I want a hug. I want love. I want to sing for people. I want to touch their hearts with art. I want to reach them with my voice. I want to inspire someone. I want to be with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to give you love. I want us to travel around beautiful places. To stay in home watching movies. To dance all night long. To go to the beach together. To know each other's family. To kiss in the new year while someone splashes champagne on us. To play in the snow until we freeze and then run to the house to take a hot shower together. Kiss under the rain. Plant trees and pretty flowers. Give you gifts. Spend Christmas together. Put on some Halloween costumes and scare people. Sit on a table drinking wine and smoking while we talk about cool things. Take a lot of pics to put on an album. Search for some recipe and try to cook even if it goes everything wrong. Go to parties with friends. Switch our clothes. Hug you and kiss you everytime I can. Sing for you. Cuddle you till you sleep. Cheer you up if you're sad. Calm you down if you're angry or stressed. Trying clothes on shops and doing poses to make you laugh. Playing games all night long. Solve our problems by sitting and talking to each other and being comprehensive. Go to amusement parks. Learning new languages. Eating junk food. Exercising together. Competing with that "i love you more". Look into your eyes. Breaking our english several times and laughing at it. Find out every skin moles on your body. Feel how soft your skin is. Please you until we're both tired. Kiss every inch of you. Being upset for some reason but then running to each other because doesnt worth the time being apart for any stupid thing. Waking up seeing your angel face and you seeing my ugly face (seriously I'm really ugly sleeping). Fill our stomachs with chocolate in Easter. Taking long times to see each other in the first years because of university and money in general, but being absolutely happy when we finally meet again. Calling you baby just to annoy you but then you say "only if you're my mommy" and we both laugh and then you now how this ends. Complaining with Suzuki san about me. Do tiny tattoos in hidden places. Do skincare with those weird green and black masks. Lay down in the grass and look at the sky. Do art, in every possible way you can think. Make you watch kpop till your brain explode and you say, please stop. Massage you with some aromatic moisturizing cream. Take you to a pretty beach round here where all the fishes swim around our feet and you can give them food. Go to karaoke. Stay in bed all day, the lazy boys. I'll need you to help me clean those dirty touches away from my body, by touching me everywhere with your precious hands, make me forget my past, make me forget my name because I will be too busy moaning yours. I want to memorize every detail of your face so when I close my eyes I can still see you.
I know this all may sound silly and too early, but I don't really care because now, these are my feelings.
And you know, in the end of the day all I really want is to be in your arms and say that I